From therapeutic group homes to classrooms, I’ve lived the storms. Here are tools that worked when nothing else did.
by Carlos Taylhardat | 3 Narratives News | September 27, 2025
Intro
The first thing you hear isn’t the shouting. It’s the glass and the skittering rasp of shards across the floor. Years ago, at Morley House, a therapeutic group home I managed, one of our teens, Adam, was in full rage after a string of missed visits from his mother. I kept my distance, palms open, voice strong enough to cut through the chaos: “Adam, one question. Are you ready to make things better or worse?” He stared, chest heaving. “Better,” he said. That single word opened a crack where conversation and healing.
Context
I am writing this not from textbooks or theory but from my own years of experience in working as a youth worker with the Vancouver School Board, and managing therapeutic group homes where we supported some of the most violent and traumatized adolescents foster homes couldn’t handle. These kids were usually apprehended because of extreme violence at home and histories of sexual abuse. The work was difficult, painful, and at times dangerous. But I learned lessons I carry to this day.
This article isn’t meant to preach or prescribe. Every situation is different. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call emergency services. If abuse is disclosed, follow local reporting laws. My hope is simply that some of what I learned might help other parents, foster families, or teachers facing violent outbursts from teenagers.
⚠️ Content Warning
The following article contains descriptions of violence, abuse, and trauma. It may be disturbing or upsetting to some readers and is intended for a mature audience only. Everything written here comes directly from my own lived experiences working with violent adolescents and supporting traumatized youth. Please read with care and take breaks if needed.
1) What Kind of Child Do You Want?
Ask yourself honestly: do you want a child who simply obeys and follows orders, or a child who knows how to make the right decision? In crisis, it’s easy for adults to clamp down harder with more rules, harsher consequences, louder voices. The teenager pushes back, we push harder, and before long we’re in a vicious spiral. Someone has to break that cycle, and it should be the adult.
I learned this lesson the hard way working with violent kids in therapeutic group homes. One boy, Adam who was the most explosive youth I ever worked with. His mother had stood him up for Sunday visits three weeks in a row, and that day he snapped. He tore apart his bedroom, smashing furniture, glass shattering across the floor. We evacuated the other kids for safety.
In the past, we’d restrained him and called the police for assistance. That stoped the violence but really it didn’t solve anything, but that day I tried something different. I matched his intensity but never threatening, but showing I was present. Nothing is worse than sounding robotic when someone feels out of control.
“Adam! I have just one question for you!” I shouted, arms raised so he knew I wasn’t a threat.
“Fuck you, motherfuckers! You told my mom not to come! You don’t care!” he yelled as he wrecked the room.
“Adam, just answer one question!”
“What!”
“Are you ready to make things better or worse? Better or worse? Better or worse?”
It was a hinge moment. If he said “worse,” at least he owned it. But he said “Better.” I thanked him, softened my tone, and asked if we could just talk. That day, he disclosed something he had never said before… He had been sexually abused at eight years old by his mother and her boyfriend.
My advice is simple: always give your child choices and invite them to talk. Empowerment breaks the spiral.
At the same time, there were moments when choices weren’t enough, when a child grabbed a weapon or the danger was too high. In those cases, the only loving thing was to draw a hard line: clear rules, immediate consequences, and sometimes calling for outside help. Safety always comes first.
In most cases, choices will help your child learn to decide and eventually will decrease the intensity and eventually as it was for Adam, a year later his previous caregivers didn’t recognize this articulate smart human being. If choices work in extreme situations they work much better in peace time.
2) Check Yourself
It’s hard. We are all wired to be right. Think about it? Have you ever stopped in the middle of an argument, looked at the other person’s perspective, and said, “That was a great point, I learned something”? If you have, wow, that’s rare. Most of us dig in, especially in conflict with our kids. But here’s the truth: we have far less control over our child’s behavior than we do over our own. The only thing you can absolutely manage is yourself.
At the group home, we had a system for this. When I was entrenched in conflict with a kid, my supervisor Peggy would step in with a code phrase: “Carlos, could I speak with you?” That was my cue to take a time-out. It wasn’t for the child but for me. I’d step aside, breathe, and replay what had just happened. Almost every time, I realized: I was part of the escalation. Sometime believing that you are perfect is the enemy of conflict.
It takes humility to admit we are fueling the fire. But once I saw my part, the whole picture shifted. I wasn’t just reacting to the child; I was also reacting to my own need to be right, my own frustration, my own pride. And when I could change that, the kid almost always changed too. Now many years later as a Father of teen’s who don’t display the same type of violence and behaviours, these principles apply just the same, I take time outs and question my own narrative.
With teenagers at home, you can do something similar. During calm moments, ask them: “What did you think of what happened?” Then just listen. Don’t interrupt, don’t defend, don’t try to win. If you really disagree, you can simply say: “I understand—that’s your point of view. Thank you for telling me. Another day, I’d like to share mine.”
This does two things. First, it teaches your child that their voice matters, even if you don’t agree. Second, it models self-control—that you can regulate yourself instead of demanding they regulate for you. And when you show humility, kids sometimes surprise you. They’ll begin to reflect on their role, but only after you’ve been willing to reflect on yours.
3) Know Your Conflict Style
One of the biggest lessons I learned is this: you can’t guide a child through conflict if you don’t know how you handle conflict yourself. Are you passive, aggressive, or assertive?
When I was younger, I leaned toward aggressive without even realizing it, raising my voice, laying down rules, trying to win. Other times, I swung the other way and went passive, avoiding, staying quiet, hoping the storm would pass. Neither really worked. Passive gave the child more room to escalate; aggressive often made them double down harder.
What worked best, over time, was being assertive: calm, clear, consistent. Assertive means you’re not hiding from the conflict, but you’re also not trying to overpower it. You’re holding your ground without disrespecting theirs.
We actually wrote a full article on this, because it matters so much: https://3narratives.com/passive-aggressive-vs-aggressive/ : Finding Assertive Ground. If you’re a parent, foster parent, or teacher, take a moment to reflect: who are you in conflict? Once you see yourself clearly, you’ll know what needs adjusting.
4) Look for the Roots, and Parent Strategically
There are many reasons why kids become violent or aggressive. Sometimes it’s a breakup, sometimes bullying at school, sometimes alcohol or drugs. I’ve seen it come from imitating another child’s behavior, from family stress, from unhealthy food and poor sleep. The list of possibilities goes on.
You can’t fix every cause, but you can pay attention to the patterns. Just like in Lesson 2, check whether you’re being passive or aggressive in your response. Then shift toward being assertive: steady, calm, and consistent. That’s where your real power is.
Being a strategic parent doesn’t mean being manipulative—it means being thoughtful. It’s about listening to the cues, seeing what sets your teenager off, and planning how you’ll handle it next time. It’s about thinking ahead: If this trigger shows up again, what’s my plan?
In the group homes, we used to say: “Never waste a crisis.” Every explosion was also data, information about what the child needed, what the triggers were, what didn’t work, and what might work next time. Parenting a violent adolescent means you’re always learning, always strategizing, and always working toward the best possible outcome.
Tools and Resources
- https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/youthviolence/index.html
- https://www.unicef.org/mental-health/
- https://kidshelpphone.ca/
For more context on conflict dynamics in families and society, see our piece:
https://3narratives.com/can-the-rift-be-repaired-left-vs-right/
Key Takeaways
- Ask the hinge question: “Better or worse?”
- Offer choices; choices defuse powerlessness.
- Regulate yourself first; your calm sets the tone.
- Be assertive, not passive or aggressive.
- Build strategies for patterns, not just incidents.
FAQs
How do I calm a violent teen in the most extreme situations?
Give direct choices either or question.
What if I’m part of the escalation?
Step out, reset, and return. Ask your teen later how they saw it—listen without rebuttal.
How do I be firm without aggression?
Assertiveness: calm clarity, consistent consequences, respectful tone.
What are common triggers?
Peer conflict, humiliation, substances, poor sleep, food issues, trauma flashbacks.
When should I call for help?
Anytime safety is at risk. If abuse is disclosed, follow local reporting laws.
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