By Carlos Taylhardat
Every weekend, we publish an article about parenting—it’s an essential topic to me, especially as a parent of three. My journey has been shaped by personal loss, professional experience, and a philosophy I discovered along the way.
In my twenties, I spent 15 years working in child protection in various roles—including managing a therapeutic group home and serving as a Family and Youth Counsellor with the Vancouver School Board. At Browndale Care Society—the largest non-profit in British Columbia serving youth who had been apprehended after severe abuse—we handled the most challenging cases: children charged with violence after growing up in violent homes. At first, the center operated on an outdated belief that staff should simply “replace” parents.
A turning point came at a North American retreat for foster and group home workers. There, a psychiatrist challenged how youth workers engaged with traumatized children. Despite her years of experience, her insights weren’t respected until she earned a PhD, which gave her the credibility she already deserved. Her theory transformed how I led staff in group homes, and eventually reshaped my own parenting philosophy.
Aggressive Parenting
Extreme aggression—physical abuse—crosses the line into criminality and demands professional intervention. But more common is the well-meaning parent who believes harsh discipline (such as spanking, sarcasm, or criticism) teaches lessons: “My parents did it this way, and I turned out fine.”
Research shows otherwise. Hostile or aggressive parenting nearly doubles a child’s likelihood of developing mental health issues by age nine, especially for girls and children from lower-income families. Aggression may stop a behavior in the short term, but it erodes self-esteem and damages trust in the long run.
Passive-Aggressive Parenting
At its worst, passive-aggressive parenting means using children to meet one’s own emotional needs, or treating them like peers. Some parents excuse poor behavior with “love solves everything,” offering warmth without boundaries. Others overlook important issues to keep the peace, which leaves children without guidance or accountability.
Aggressive and Passive-Aggressive Problems
When I returned from that retreat, I gathered my staff and asked everyone to try an assertive approach. I quickly noticed our differences: I leaned toward the aggressive side, while others were so passive they would let a child spit on them without consequence.
One worker, radiantly kind and steeped in a “hippy” philosophy, was adored by the kids in the first few weeks—the honeymoon period. She massaged them, spoke endlessly of love, and truly believed it. But when a youth threw a urine-filled balloon in her face, she quit in shock and disillusionment.
On the other extreme, aggressive staff were often dismissed quickly. One afternoon I walked in to find a long-time worker, Ted, brandishing a belt at two terrified children. I fired him immediately. Before leaving, he asked to speak with me privately. He sat quietly and admitted: “I know why you let me go. I’ve worked with youth for 15 years, but I lost control. My mother died just days ago, and I didn’t tell you.”
I was relieved he shared this. He couldn’t return to our group home, but perhaps after time off and reflection he could work elsewhere if the agency’s director believed he was ready. That moment reminded me: our extremes—whether passive or aggressive—don’t just affect us. They directly shape the lives of children in our care.
Assertive Parenting: The Balanced Path
Most of us parent aggressively or passively at times, and that’s okay. Parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about course correction. What isn’t acceptable is going to extremes.
When we applied assertiveness in group homes, the agency was amazed. We managed some of the toughest kids in the city while still creating a sense of “home.” Later, as a father, I’ve seen the same: teachers and coaches often comment on my children’s calmness, respect, and achievements.
Being assertive means setting clear boundaries, thinking critically, and involving children in decisions. Psychologists call this “authoritative parenting”—firm but warm, assertive but not intrusive. Research shows children raised this way are more resilient, socially skilled, academically motivated, and confident than peers raised under harsher or looser styles.
Behavioural Correction in Practice
When a five-year-old hits his sister, different parenting styles respond differently:
- Aggressive Parent: “Go to your room—NEVER hit your sister!”
- Passive-Aggressive Parent: “Okay… let’s distract ourselves with a movie and dessert.”
- Assertive Parent: “Let’s sit down and talk. You were upset because you thought your sister was teasing you? I understand that, but we don’t hit. Do you like being hit? What are other ways to handle it?”
Sometimes I’ll ask my kids to write a short story about what happened and how they could handle it differently. We revisit it the next day, and by the following week we might even laugh about it. That’s the power of assertive parenting: the child isn’t punished or ignored—they’re invited to reflect, empathize, and problem-solve.
Leading by Example
Assertiveness isn’t just about correcting children—it’s about modeling humility. Recently, I apologized to my kids during a difficult moment. I asked them how I could handle it better. They had ideas. I listened. That’s assertive parenting—showing accountability instead of pretending to be perfect.
Another time, after losing a business I’d built for 15 years, I spoke with my son Dryden.
“Dryden, I love your soccer and I’m proud of what you’ve achieved—it’s the highest level a 13-year-old could reach. I can’t really afford it, but I’ll keep supporting you. One day, though, you’ll have to pay me back.”
He looked at me, shocked. “Pay you back? How?”
“Not with money. Someday, when you’re a parent, you’ll face difficult choices for your own child. You can pay me back by being the best dad you can be.”
He smiled silently, and I knew my future grandchildren would be fortunate to have him as a father.
The Lesson
Assertive parenting is not about perfection. It’s about balance: listening without surrendering authority, guiding without humiliating, and correcting without crushing. It shapes children who respect boundaries because they understand them—not because they fear punishment.
It’s the path that changed how I managed staff in group homes, and it’s the path that continues to shape my children’s lives today.
