Parenting through pain: How our scars can become our children’s strength

By Carlos Taylhardat

Parenting

A couple of years ago, I saw a young man — gaunt, twitching, clearly unwell — trying to get into the building. He eventually slipped in behind someone. He walked up the stairs like a ghost looking for somewhere to land. Alarmed, I posted a warning to our building’s Facebook group: “An addict has entered the building. Please be cautious.”

Within minutes, I received a private message.

“That’s my son,” a neighbor wrote. “He’s an addict. We’re doing everything we can.”

The honesty in her message caught me off guard. My heart dropped — not from shame, but from recognition.

There was a time when I might have been that boy, I wondered? We could all have taken the wrong turn and became him. And there are too many nights when I wonder if my own children, Dryden and Elijah, now 12 and 14, will ever feel that lost — and if I’ll be able to guide them home.

The Legacy We Don’t Choose

Not all parents begin their journey with a clean slate. Some of us carry inherited trauma — growing up with absent fathers, abusive mothers, or the numbing grip of poverty. Others carry the scars of our own mistakes: broken relationships, addictions survived, mistakes we’d give anything to undo.

For those parents, being “good” isn’t about whether you breastfeed or bottle-feed, whether you go screen-free or Montessori. It’s about whether you can show up — truly present — while still healing yourself.

As one mother in Vancouver’s East Side told me, “There were days I couldn’t even get out of bed, and my daughter would crawl in with me and sing. That’s how we parented each other, for a while.”

Rachel, 38, is five years into recovery from heroin addiction. “I thought the hard part was quitting,” she said. “But the real challenge is parenting sober. When you’re not numbing anymore, you feel everything. And my daughter — she feels it all too. Some days we cry together. But we’re still here. Still healing.”

Another father in Los Angeles, Marcus, put it bluntly: “I never met my own dad. I was dealing coke by 14. Prison by 21. When my son was born, I had no idea how to hold him. But every time I choose not to raise my voice — that’s a victory. Every time I walk past a bottle and come home instead — that’s love.”

The Crossroads: When Children Mirror Our Pain

When I saw that young man in the stairwell, his spine arched unnaturally, his gait broken, I didn’t just see addiction. I saw a crossroad. One missed turn — or no road at all.

Fentanyl is the epidemic in the headlines, but emotional neglect is the silent killer behind so many of those stories. The drug crisis is the smoke. But trauma — childhood abuse, unprocessed grief, economic despair — that’s the fire.

In Canada, fentanyl is involved in more than 80% of opioid overdose deaths. But behind those numbers are children who didn’t know safety, teens who numbed their anxiety with pills, and parents who never healed before raising kids of their own.

Two Narratives: Tough Love vs Tender Repair

Some argue that addiction and crime require a firmer hand — harsher laws, stricter enforcement. In 2025, U.S. authorities charged leaders of the Sinaloa cartel with narco-terrorism after seizing over 1.6 tons of fentanyl. Researchers like Brandon del Pozo, a public health and policing scholar, warn that public safety reforms won’t succeed without public trust — and that trust depends on both compassion and accountability.

But others — parents, therapists, harm-reduction advocates — say the solution lies in the slow work of connection, not control.

“We need to stop asking what’s wrong with kids,” says Dr. Gabor Maté, a renowned Canadian physician who specializes in trauma and addiction. “And start asking what happened to them — and to us.”

A Different Legacy

If you’re parenting through pain, you’re not alone.

You might be the parent who never had one. Or the adult who once lost yourself to rage, to pills, to silence. Maybe your first instinct when your child cries is to flee — because no one ever came for you when you cried. That doesn’t make you a bad parent. That makes you someone who is trying to rewrite the script.

Every moment of patience, every honest apology, every time you stay instead of run — that is how cycles are broken.

“I don’t always get it right,” Marcus told me. “But every time I show up sober, patient, and present — that’s a win my kids can feel.”

Hope: A Practice, Not a Promise

Healing doesn’t guarantee perfection. It guarantees presence.

And presence — not perfection — is the lifeline that keeps children afloat.

So to every parent with scars: You are not failing. You are forging. You are making a life from broken things. You are raising your children — and in many ways, you are raising yourself.

And every time you show up — messy, tired, but loving — that’s more than enough.

Sources & Additional Reading:

Personal interviews conducted with parents in recovery across Vancouver and Los Angeles

Canadian Centre on Substance Use and Addiction. “Opioid Crisis in Canada.”

Gabor Maté. In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts.

National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA): Fentanyl Trends and Policy Updates

Reuters: “US Drug Overdose Deaths Dropped in 2024”

Brandon del Pozo, Ph.D., Brown University School of Public Health

The Fentanyl Crisis: A Global and Local Perspective

Fentanyl, a synthetic opioid up to 100 times more potent than morphine, has become a leading cause of overdose deaths worldwide. In Canada, between January 2016 and March 2024, there were 47,162 apparent opioid toxicity deaths, with fentanyl involved in 81% of these cases. British Columbia, Alberta, and Ontario have been the most affected provinces.

In the United States, 2024 saw a significant decline in overdose deaths, dropping to approximately 80,000 from 110,000 in 2023. This decrease is attributed to increased access to naloxone, enhancements in telehealth for addiction treatment, and enforcement on fentanyl.

Two Narratives: Understanding the Crisis

Narrative One: Law Enforcement and Policy Measures

Some experts advocate for stricter law enforcement and policy measures to combat the fentanyl crisis. This includes cracking down on illegal drug trafficking, enhancing border security, and imposing harsher penalties for drug-related offenses. For instance, in 2025, U.S. authorities charged leaders of the Sinaloa Cartel with narco-terrorism after seizing nearly 2 tons of fentanyl.

Brandon del Pozo, a researcher funded by the National Institutes of Health, emphasizes the need to balance criminal justice and drug policy reforms with public safety goals. He notes that public support for reforms hinges on delivering both reduced crime and maintained order.

Narrative Two: Parenting, Love, and Community Support

Alternatively, many believe that addressing the root causes of addiction through parenting, love, and community support is more effective. This approach focuses on early intervention, mental health support, and creating nurturing environments for children.

Public health strategies include increasing access to naloxone, implementing drug checking programs, and providing comprehensive addiction treatment services. In Canada, naloxone is widely available and has been instrumental in reversing opioid overdoses.

Conclusion: Crafting Your Own Narrative

The fentanyl crisis is multifaceted, with no one-size-fits-all solution. Whether through law enforcement or community support, each approach offers valuable insights. As parents and community members, we must stay informed, compassionate, and proactive in guiding our children and supporting those affected by addiction.

Let’s continue this conversation and work together to build a safer, more understanding community. How do you parent with scars?

Sources:

• Health Canada: Opioid- and Stimulant-related Harms in Canada
• Reuters: US drug overdose deaths dropped to 5-year low in 2024
• National Institute on Drug Abuse: Fentanyl
• New York Post: Sinaloa cartel leaders charged with narco-terrorism
• Harvard FXB Center: From the War on Drugs to Harm ReductionOffice of the New York State